Confessions of a Merc
by Dr. T. Tam
Summary: A grim discovery by one of the crew members aboard Serenity leads to great confusion & pain for everyone. Expect the rating to increase in later chapters. I'd love reviews of course! Chapter 2 is up!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Don't we all _wish_ we owned the 'Verse?

The following is told through Simon's eyes. The events in question occur not long after the BDM.

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><p>"Yee-ee-ee-ee-ee-eeeeeeeeeee!" Kaylee squealed as she bounced up and down atop me. Let me stop right there and say I typically wouldn't violate the character of a woman, especially not one as tender and kind hearted as Kaywinnit Lee Tam-Frye, by divulging the details of such a private instance as I'm about to here. However as I've come to realize in the years since that occasion, that is the precise time the story I am telling you here, had begun.<p>

It had been four or five months since we discovered the origin of the Reavers and after putting Serenity back together we had spent those days traveling the Verse paying our respects to our friends killed by the Alliance while we fled to Miranda to help River. We gave Shepherd Book and his neighbors proper burials on Haven while en route from Beaumonde to take Fanty and Mingo's bodies back to their home world of Dyton County. From there it was on to lay Mr. Universe to rest since no one else would have done it, then we flew to Higgins Moon and Greenleaf, Deadwood and so on, at one point letting Zoe off so she could visit Wash's mother and father to tell them about their son's death and give her time to figure her next move. Much to the displeasure of River, myself, Kaylee and Inara, Zoe's departure left Jayne as the Captain's second in command but I'm proud to say our suffering was minimal. Finally we landed on Persephone to regroup and find another job. Captain had also spoken of visiting old wartime buddies on this world to discuss our findings on Miranda and decide whether the Alliance was in need of another uprising of Browncoats in light of this discovery. It also seemed like the proper place for Kaylee and I to exchange our vows, seeing as it was the place where we first met. The ship had practically been keeping adrift on fumes at this point and our rations were down to boring food stuffs for about the billionth time since River and I had been aboard Serenity.

Directly, as I mentioned before, I found myself beneath Kaylee's bare body during our honeymoon together-which was sadly spent on the ship seeing as we hadn't the coin to take a proper one at the time. She collapsed against me, that now familiar, slaphappy grin plastered to her face as she nibbled my neck and I grazed my fingertips along her spinal column.

"You're givin' me goose bumps, Si!" She giggled and shook about, "Cut th-"

"River!" I interrupted my wife's playful plea when I saw my sister poking her head through the ceiling of my quarters, peering down at us. With one swift motion I tossed Kaylee aside and yanked the covers over our exposed bodies to shield us from River's curious eyes.

"Wha-Riv? **_River_**!" Kaylee shrieked with fright, disappearing beneath her blanket completely, "How long has she been there?" her words were muffled into the pillow.

River showed no signs of shock or remorse at being caught, no intention of moving as I frantically looked about for my clothes which were scattered haphazardly around the room. She simply stared blankly down at us and plainly announced, "I desire a love like that" as if she were stating that her favorite color was magenta, "And every time you have exchanged fluids since the first time one hundred and twenty-seven days ago. Six times in the engine room. Twice in the dining room. Once in the pilot's-"

"You've been spying on us every time we've-?" I asked, horrified at the idea.

"And I gave you strawberries!" Came another hushed cry from Kaylee.

"Why River?" I was furious but desperately not trying to show it for fear of upsetting her again. She'd been in a strange, reclusive mood the last few days, in fact I couldn't recall if I'd seen her face in the past several hours. She had made progress in leaps and bounds since Miranda like never before, become an obvious great asset to the crew, so it was peculiar that she would suddenly revert back to her shy, fragile self. Which made her present behavior all the more bewildering.

"Taking mental pictures. To replace the returning new ones. Time to go!" River cooed those last few words cheerily before retreating back to wherever she'd come from. Before I could object, the panel she'd apparently removed from up there was once again in place and I could hear her scurry away on her hands and knees. That sound was soon quieted by the Captain over the intercom,

"Strap yourselves in ladies an' gents, we're makin' double time ta Heinlein."

I slapped my face and groaned irritably, before peeking over at Kaylee who's eyes were now poking out from beneath their shelter, and trained on the spot above us where River had been watching our extremely intimate acts. I'm still not sure if I was relieved or mortified that she was just as embarrassed as I had been.

"I am so incredibly sorry about this, Kaylee" Was all I could say for a moment, my voice meek and strained, "I'm not...entirely sure what that was about," but before I had even uttered the last syllable Kaylee had jumped from the bed to the floor, gathering her clothes and pulled them on at light speed.

She turned toward me once she was dressed, smiling bashfully and assured me, "It's no thang darlin'. I 'magine she ain't never had a man herself and was just curious 'bout what to do with one if she ever got 'em twixt the sheets. But it's like she said," she added, stepping toward me, planting a soft, sweet palm against my naked chest and standing on her toes to peck me on the lips, "Gotta go!"

With that, she hurried from the room leaving me alone, barely dressed, with the rumble of Serenity coming back to life.

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><p>Once I'd finished haphazardly tossing my clothes back on, I headed toward where I knew I'd find Kaylee. The engine room. Upon entering I was surprised to find River standing above Kaylee, who was seated on the ground, the two of them seemingly in casual, girlish conversation. They both looked at me and immediately went into fits of laughter.<p>

"River...I wasn't expecting to see you here..." I stammered, trying to recall why I'd come in the first place.

"It's alright, sweetie," Kaylee smiled warmly at me, "She just came to apologize. Way I see it, no harm done. I'm a girl m'self and you bein' her brother an' all. I just told her not to let it happen again.

I stood there, most likely looking very stupid for a few moments as I weighed Kaylee's words and decided she was right, not so much because I agreed with her, but because I was too ashamed to carry on a lengthy discussion about the whole ordeal with the two women I loved more dearly than life itself. So I opted to change the subject, "River, I've been meaning to ask you, have you seen my encyclopedia? I used it a few weeks ago, the day Zoe left us and haven't been able to find it since," I explained.

Instantly, River's carefree demeanor shifted drastically. She tightly gripped the sides of her strapless black dress at the knees, scowled to the point that her head seemed it would burst and whispered coldly, "I did not take it. I do not steal from family. Except for fruit. Tis Juicy…and sweet."

"Okay," I raised my hands non threateningly, and responded in a calm manner, "Then can you tell me where it might-"

"You know who does though, but you do not want it back, not really," she snarled and ran past me, nearly knocking me off my feet.

"Wo de tian A, what was that all about?" Kaylee questioned as she tended to some part of the engine while not taking her eyes off me. I usually enjoyed watching her work. It always amazed me how she could carry on entire complex conversations while repairing various odds and ends simultaneously, and thus for a moment I was distracted, gazing at her hands. Oh those hands...even now I digress.

"Si?"

"Hmm?" I quickly met her eyes once more, "Oh, right. I'm sorry, just worried about her. She's acting strange again...like before..." I lowered my voice unintentionally as I again found myself lost in thought.

"Well go easy on her, m'kay? We've all been a wee tense lately what with everythin' that went on with..." Kaylee didn't finish her sentence but she didn't need to. With Wash gone, and even the Captain losing his sense of humor, the mood around the ship had been very bland lately.

"You're right," I nodded.

"I know," She answered matter of factly, "Now, what's this business 'bout your encyclopedia gone missin'? Haven't you told Cap?"

"Oh no," I laughed sheepishly, waving my hand at the thought, "I assumed River had taken it, although now I'm not so sure I believe she did. No matter," I waved my hand, trying to dismiss it, "the Captain has had more pressing matters to tend to, I wouldn't want to worry him about a silly little piece of machinery. He'd probably suggest it was River as well anyway."

"Fei hua," Kaylee quickly rolled her eyes, "What a bunch o' hogwash. You should go alert the Captain if it's been missing that long. He's the only one who's left Serenity since Zoe so it's gotta still be on board her."

"Crew report to the galley now that we're back out of atmo," the Captain ordered over the intercom.

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><p>"Captain, can I speak with you for a mome-oh I'm sorry" I had reached the doorway well ahead of the girls to find Jayne whispering to the Captain.<p>

"I uh...got an issue we need ta discuss privately, Cap-" Jayne had started to say when I intruded on their meeting.

"Hold it til later, Jayne. I'd like to address the others an' then we'll tend to yer...personal problem."

"Mal, this is a more pressin' issue-"

Again, Captain interrupted Jayne, "How could you possibly know'f what you got ta say is more pressing than myself, Jayne? Welcome everybody," he nodded toward Inara, Kaylee and I as we joined him, "Now, what could possibly need my attention more'n the poor souls o' Heinlein who are as we speak bein' irradicated while their moon's colonized by Reavers? Yes guys and dolls, you heard, it seems the idiot savantes've our very own trusted an' loved Alliance, those ung jeong jia ching jien soh, have seen it fit that the best method of sortin' out this 'new revelation' that Reavers in fact do live and breathe same's us, is ta gather up stinkin' armada o' their largest ships on the rim o' this fine sky an' fire off every blasted torpedo laser beam they got in the general direction've Miranda in hopes o' blowin' that wall o' ships out've this galaxy an' in ta next. Well by golly, goodness me, I'll be a qing wa cao de liu mang if ever there was one, did you know they missed?"

We all stared, mesmerized, then he went on,

"Well, I'm sure a few a those missiles pro'bly landed their marks but fer the most part all the Alliance's did now's piss off the entire known population've these flesh desecratin' abominations who're now'n the business've making Heinlein their new hell. Been goin' on for more'n a few days now. Gotten to where the Alliance can't keep it hushed. Myself, along with the remaining officers o' the Independents've been personally hailed by Alliance higher ups askin' us ta help rescue any survivors cursed enough to still walk on that rock. They are requesting any an' all firepower in the air that we can provide, an' for civilian transport, medical treatment, rations, that we c'n offer seeing as a significant percentage o' the Alliance supplies've been used up in their jing chai assault on Miranda."

"This is horrible!" Kaylee was the first to speak among us.

"How could the Alliance have dried up so much of it's resources in just a few short days?" Inara questioned skeptically, "Most of the verse couldn't even get within a proton blast of Miranda in under a week."

"Exactly!" Captain clapped, then pointed at Inara, "You've hit the nail on it's gruesome head. The Alliance is usin' this as a ploy to bring all remaining high rankin' officers o' the Independents outta hidin', put 'em in one tight space an' keep us busy, hopefully knocking us outta the sky courtesy o' Reaver firepower an' crushin' any hopes o' us gatherin' our forces against 'em for a second swing at Unification. Guess they caught wind've such plans before we even set down on Persephone."

"I'm confused..." Kaylee confessed, "There are Reavers on Heinlein, or aren't there?"

"There are," Captain affirmed, "And we'll lend a hand because we are not a warfaring vessel. We will take port at Heinlein an' rescue's many civilians Serenity can tolerate. Other ships equipped ta do the job are planning a siege on Alliance gun ships being deployed there."

"If you don't mind me saying so, Captain, isn't that stupid?" I offered my first contribution to the discussion, "Civilian transports including us will get caught in the crossfire between the Independents and Alliance gun ships, not to mention the heavy Reaver presence in the area, which is the cause of all this. I envision the skies surrounding Heinlein look something similar to that around Miranda when we encountered those things last time."

"Right again, Doc," Captain nodded toward me, then addressed the crew again, "Which is why when we reach Heinlein in a couple'a days I'm gonna attempt to talk reason into my bonehead Browncoat brethren in the area. I didn't make the decided upon rules of said siege, but I'm hopin' someone aboard each've those other Independents ships has the brains that the good Dr. Tam here does, who can talk sense in ta their commanding officers. Whatever the end result, we, the crew of Serenity will do our duty in gettin' as many civilians as possible off that godforsaken moon an' onto Triumph, Ezra or Greenleaf. Those spots as well're bein' evac'd but are thought ta be safe fer now."

"Will we really be able to extract a significant amount of survivors on Serenity, Captain?" This came from Inara, "She's crowded enough already, and the more weight we take on, the more fuel we'll burn up."

"We'll be makin' as many runs's we can between Heinlein an' the surrounding safe harbors where fer right now we're allowed ta refuel'n unload as many times we need," Captain explained. "Before we get their you an' Jayne'll each be takin' a shuttle ta Greenleaf ta pick up medical supplies an' whatever else might be've service ta the kind people on Heinlein. I'll also be wavin' Zoe when we're done here askin' her to provide any help she can muster. We've got a major helpin' o' ugly on the horizon people. Look alive. Any other questions? Good. Now Jayne, what, pray tell, could be more important'n what I just explained ta y'all here?"

Everyone turned to Jayne, who hadn't said a word since the rest of us arrived and was now sweating profusely. His eyes scanned all of our eager eyes, awaiting what he had to say, "Sir we uh, need ta talk in private...if'n you don't mind," he managed to choke out, seemingly with great effort.

"Kaylee, wave Zoe fer me, let'r know our present situation an' ask her to look around for a ship or anyone willin' ta lend a hand," Captain instructed her, "Inara, prep the shuttles. We might be ready ta ship 'em out'n less than a day. Get to work, ladies. Doc, you had something you wanted to ask me about?"

He'd caught me off guard. My jaw spilled open but nothing came out.

From the hall outside the dining room Kaylee paused, calling over her shoulder, "His encyclopedia's gone missin'. Small matter now, considerin', but there ya have it, Cap'n."

I glanced toward her giving her a 'Thanks a lot, honey' awkward look, then back at the Captain who, as I suspected, asked, "Encyclopedia? Yer joy've a sister snatch it?"

"No sir, I'm certain of that. I've spoken with her about it more than once. It's been quite a few days and I've been through her things. It hasn't turned up."

"Let me remind you," Captain started, "This is a very large ship, Doc. Many o' places a crafty soul such's yer sister coulda stored away a treasure trove o' pretty trinkets. I'm sure it'll turn up. By the way, where is yer sister? It seems she's been missin' fer some time too. Hasn't reported ta any meetings I've called in the last 48 hours, hasn't shown up at appointed meal times or been tendin' the wheel've our bird, which as we decided, she would split shifts with me."

"Yes sir, I'm sure it will turn up too. It's just...I believe River when she says she doesn't have it and I was using it the day Zoe walked off the ship. It has to be on board, which either means another bounty hunter child molester is among us, or..." I let my words trail off, not wanting to actually verbalize that I was implying one of the crew had taken it, "And River has been under some stress, I'm not sure why. I'll figure it out. Something spooked her at supper last week."

All the while Jayne stood by motionless, almost not breathing.

"Captain I-"

"Yes, Jayne," Captain raised his eyebrows still looking at me, "Doctor I will letchya know if it turns up. Until then let's put this matter on hold fer a spell. I'm gonna be busy fightin' one war an' tryin' to postpone another while avoidin' givin' off the impression that I'm a traitorous bastard to the wrong group o' folks. Jayne, take a walk with me, let's chat, shall we?" He then gripped Jayne at the shoulder steering him toward the cockpit. It was later relayed to me what was said between them once the door was sealed shut behind them.

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><p>"What is it?" The Captain asked as they each took a seat beside the controls. Jayne stared back at him for a few seconds like a deer in headlights, "Jayne Cobb. I've things ta do in case you didn't hear everything I just said out there. You wanted my attention, now you got it. This would be the point where you speak."<p>

At that moment Jayne pulled out my encyclopedia, showing it to the Captain who stared, looking somewhat amused.

"You were the one?" Captain chuckled at first, "I wanted ta believe it hadn't been you, Jayne" Captain shook his head in disbelief, then the smile faded, "Haven't you messed with the two've 'em enough?" He reopened the hatch then spoke into the ship's intercom, "Doc, come up to the flight deck."

"Captain no!" Jayne blurted.

"Well then ya have about fifteen seconds ta convince me ta cover fer you," Captain replied.

"I borrowed it the other day an' plugged in ta the Verse Directory ta store away some new...images in the ol' wet whistle memory banks an' well..." Jayne stuttered.

"You seriously aren't helping yer cause here-"

"Gorram it, let me finish..." Jayne was flustered the same as whenever he tried to remember a difficult word that had slipped his mind, "**_Look_**!" He held out the screen mere centimeters from the eyes of the Captain who watched images moving about on the screen for a few seconds, raising one eyebrow, confused as to what he was looking at for a moment. Then, eyes still glued to the screen he flipped a switch sealing the door to the cockpit just as I walked up to it.

"We can't let Simon see this," he told Jayne through gritted teeth.

"Er...Captain?" I knocked, perplexed, having heard none of their conversation.

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><p>AN: Chapter 2 shouldn't be far behind as it's in the editing process already. Reviews are welcome of course! The rating will change to M by chapter 4 or so, for very good reason. I appreciate your readership dearly. Thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and messages! Again, Siomn's POV. After the opening of the next chapter on, this will primarily be a Simon/River/Badger story with various OC's until probably the last chapter. Serenity's crew will make brief appearances in flashbacks or the like. Also, sorry for not mentioning this in Chapter one but the subject matter of this story, beginning in this chapter might be too extreme for some readers. Again, from about chapter four on, the rating will raise to M, for very specific reasons I'll get to later as I don't want to ruin that yet. You've been warned! ;)

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><p>"Um, boss? We gotta show Simon. How could we not?" Jayne pleaded with the Captain as I waited none the wiser just a few feet away.<p>

"You haven't liked the man for the better part've a year. Now ya tellin' me yer gonna go all soft'n gushy on 'em? He can't know something' like this. Not yet."

"Captain?" I knocked from the other side of the door.

"Feh feh pi goh" Captain rolled his eyes at Jayne, and hissed "You are **_very _**gorram lucky, do you know that?" Then to me he hollered through the thick sheet of metal between us "Sorry 'bout that Simon, yer no longer needed. Uh...go look fer River. I'm sure she needs ya!"

First off, Captain Malcolm Reynolds rarely referred to me by Simon in a long while. Even more scarce had I ever heard him use River's name. So naturally, I immediately felt unsettled. Nonetheless I returned to my bunk for a nap. All of the activity between Kaylee and I had physically drained me, and the thought of what was taking place on Heinlein was currently draining what was left of me emotionally as well as mentally.

"Why in tarnation not? He has a right to know som'in' like this and gorram it ya know we's got a duty to tell 'em," Jayne argued on my behalf.

"He can't know 'cause…because then River'll know," Captain shot back.

"Wha-Cap'n Reynolds, all due respect you've gone blown a gasket. Of course River knows. Far as I'm concerned this right here is the reason she's so yao nu go se from the get go! It makes perfect sense. That's what some'in' like this does to someone. 'Specially a kid. 'Specially a girl kid. An' supposin' she doesn't yet know...what's ta stop'er readin' yers or my head just's soon as'er brother's?"

Captain abruptly stood from his chair and paced about the cockpit a few times, breathing heavily before grabbing a nearby swivel chair and chucking it against the door to the rest of the ship, sending a loud echo through all of Serenity, startling the rest of us for a moment and causing me to nearly fall back against the dining table.

"_**Wang ba dan gou cao de kuh wu hwo gai nien mohn**_!" Captain collapsed to his knees, head in hands before Jayne and...began to cry. Jayne had been flying with the Captain for nearly the entire time Serenity was, well, Serenity. He'd witnessed Mal exhibit a gauntlet of emotions, among them not the least were fear, worry, frustration, anger. On occasion sadness, as with the death of a crew member. However, Captain did well to hide his tears. Of course the Captain had cried before. Jayne knew a man was a fool to deny he ever cried. But Jayne had never witnessed it, and it terrified him. He sank into the co-pilot's seat, and froze there for some time before easing to the ground beside his superior. He cautiously, almost reluctantly lifted a hand toward the broken Captain, finally placing it on the sobbing man's shoulder.

"Cap..." he uttered, almost inaudibly.

"Gahhhhhhhhh!" Captain pulled Jayne into him, hugging the befuddled mercenary who after an awkward moment returned the embrace, though not as enthusiastically. Jayne cleared his throat as gently as he could.

"Cap," he murmured, a bit louder, "We gotta tell Simon. Then we take out the trash," he almost growled, "Y'hear?"

Captain withdrew, wiping his face against his jacket sleeve, coughing, composing himself before looking up at Jayne, "And take out the trash we shall, brother" he responded in a shaky voice.

I was perturbed but not entirely astonished to learn Jayne had been the one who had swiped my encyclopedia. While the Captain was making a half assed excuse for Jayne to keep me seated so I didn't dart off to scold the brute, Jayne was sent to tell Inara of the real situation at hand, who in turn was told to track River down and spend quality time with her while myself and Kaylee were sat down with Jayne and the captain to hear what we could only figure at the time, was more terrible news about the Reavers. At least that's what I was expecting. Kaylee had been warned just moments prior to sitting beside me to brace herself for devastating news affecting myself and River, and that she was to be ready to comfort or restrain me if I went ballistic. Truthfully I can't recall, nor do I want to, how I initially reacted. There was a long silence as the four of us sat around, each confused for different reasons, but when the Captain did finally start speaking, he got to the point nearly right away, not dilly dallying as I am now. You'll have to forgive me if I ramble at times as I tell you this story. It's a trying task, reliving it all over. Captain looked me dead in the eye as he spoke.

"Simon, this is no sick joke I assure you. I'm not a vile man, nor is Jayne here-not this vile, anywho," he added with some hesitation, "He was searching through yer encyclopedia fer, how can I put this, smut material. Yes that's inexcusable," he raised his hand to silence me when I began to interject right then, "However the more outstanding topic of discussion now is what he found. River was used in some of the material. Were you aware of this?"

As I previously stated, I do not remember how I acted, what I said after the Captain spoke these words to me. I cannot knowingly convey the intensity of rage that coursed through my body and mind, my very soul and caused me to black out for all I know upon gaining this new knowledge. Caused me to shut off every one of my five senses in order to avoid the agony I fear I experienced at a cellular level within my whole being. All I will ever be able to accomplish relating to the moments that followed Captain Reynolds words to me regarding the possible use of my sister in forms of sexual entertainment is to poetically describe what little I managed to stomach being later relayed to me by those present.

Wailing like a wounded creature in the wild I fell to my knees, white as a spirit in my face, appearing to stare off into somewhere that only I could see. While in this place I responded to the Captain with trembling lips, a single syllable, "No," before completely enveloping myself into a trance to escape the reality that I'd just been introduced to. I asked to see whatever it was that Jayne had stumbled across during his perverted escapade. It was then shown to me, but, you'll never read or hear of my account of the images I viewed on that tiny, glowing screen, of the things my little sister was forced into doing by adults. I became mildly aggressive when anyone, including Kaylee, tried to touch me. After four or five attempts the crew gave up trying to place a comforting hand on my back, opting instead to sit beside me quietly for a time, in hopes that I'd return. It was Kaylee's voice, not surprisingly, that brought me back.

"Simon," she whispered gently, kneeling beside me on the ground where I was now curled in a ball, sweating profusely, crying out of bloodshot eyes, "Simon...what do we do? Tell us, and it's done. I love you, Simon. What needs to be done now?"

I turned toward her, smiled faintly and reached a hand out to caress her neck, fully aware again of my surroundings, "Kaylee..." I spoke lovingly, "Sweet Kaylee, I love you too of course. You don't worry about a thing. I need to go. I need to leave." I stood, facing the Captain now, "Yes, I need to leave. Turn this bird back toward Persephone, if you would be so kind, Captain," I then started to walk from the dinning room.

"Whoa, hold up there, Blazin' Saddles," Captain hurried after me, "We've been over this before, Doc. I give the orders 'round here an' our current course's set. I understand the gravity of yer circumstance an' ya do what ya need ta when the time comes but in case yer forgettin' I need ta single handedly prevent the war o' the next hundred mellenia from decimatin'-"

I spun on my heels to face the taller Malcolm Reynolds, and with a defiance I'd not felt surge through my body since I first sprang River from the Academy, I retorted, "No. You do not understand the gravity of learning that your kid sister was made to pleasure beasts of men, and who took money from my clueless family in the process, I should mention. Just as I do not comprehend what it's like for you to be returning to an imminent war. I will not stand in the way of what you need to do Captain, so I'll take one of the shuttles off your hands rather than asking that you turn Serenity around. Fair enough?"

The Captain was silent for a moment, then answered, "No. It isn't fair. It isn't fair to yer sister if after all ya went through ta rescue her from those apes, you'd abandon'er now, here, only ta march back in there totting guns in some tirade o' vengeance, accomplishing nothing but dying for her sake."

"Captain," I lowered my voice to not seem so confrontational this time in hopes that he'd drop his defenses and actually process what I was about to say, "My father was a great humanitarian figure in his day. In my earliest years I was exposed to horrible images. I haven't been on the battlefield as you have, nor was I ever placed in a situation of great danger by my parents. But during the various visits to hospitals and refugee camps we made throughout the 'Verse I saw the aftermath of war, of tyranny. I have seen the remnants of famine. Images of evil are burned into my memory. Becoming a doctor was my futile attempt at remedying some of that evil. Of putting a dent in the ever accelerated destruction of the rest of our race. I knew it was a pitiful pursuit from the day it began when I was a little boy," the Captain appeared to be getting bored of me by this point but I suppose he held his tongue since every second I spoke was another second we got further away from my chances of docking port back on Persephone in one of the shuttles. I didn't waste the opportunity he was giving me.

"I know I'm not the only human being in existence to ever have their childhood muddied by death and sadness, Captain. But when River was born..." I think I smiled at this point in my monologue. I must have as I reminisced of the day that I realized I was to have a younger sister to look after, "I held her before our father did, you know," I recanted the events of her birth to the Captain who now seemed intrigued. "Our mother and father had been out at some extravagant dinner on Ariel accepting one peace award or another. I was staying with a friend and her family that evening when we got the call that my mother had gone into labor. We rushed to the hospital, arriving just as River was born and I made it to mother's side and gazed upon those tiny brown eyes for the first time. She was so alert and curious. Unlike any newborn I'd laid eyes on before or since. Mother then handed her too me. I held her little body in my short arms. I knew she was special," Tears filled my eyes as the tone of my story changed, "With River, I had the chance to sustain her innocence. I knew of course I didn't want to shelter her, close her off from the world. But I simply wanted to protect her from having to endure the trauma I'd been introduced to practically from the time I exited the womb. I believed I could accomplish this, until I discovered what the Academy was doing to her. It had crossed my mind that-" I became choked up just then, "That the abuse she suffered at their hands had not exclusively been psychological, related to their research. I ignored that possibility though, not wanting to believe it could have happened. That the Academy, erroneous in their was as they were, were not truly horrendous. Now...now I realize it's true."

"You can't make it right, Doc," Captain said softly, "I'm on your side, that's fer Gorram sure an' I will not stand in your way. That bein' said, when we fly in there and light the place up, killing everyone who...well, what will it change?"

Without missing a beat I began, "Scientifically speaking, once I'm finished tracking down every last monster who had a hand on my sister or allowed that atrocity to take place, their hearts will stop pumping blood throughout their veins and arteries. Their brains will cease to fire messages to the rest of their bodies. Their lungs will no longer use up precious oxygen that doesn't belong to them on whatever world each of them may reside on at this moment. All the muscles in their bodies will relax for the last time. They'll soil themselves at the exact time of death. To put it plainly Captain, once I'm through, those who harmed River will exist no longer. They've given up the right to, not just because of River, but for every other child's purity they've ruined. For this, they will be no more," I watched the Captain shiver, likely due to the haunting tone in which I delivered my words. He chose not to argue the point further.

"Well alright then," Captain stood frozen for a moment, probably hoping I wouldn't transform into some feral animal and maul him on the spot. He cleared his throat and completed his thought, "I'll uh, send a wave ta Badger back on Persephone, let 'em know yer taking the shuttle back there. He'll see to it ya get whatever ya need for this uh-thing, whatever it is you'll be doin'."

"Thank you, Captain. That would be much appreciated." I returned to my quarters to pack and found Kaylee waiting for me in our bunk.

I'm not sure if she looked up at me when I entered because I didn't notice her until she spoke, "I'm scared, Simon," I turned from the duffel bag I'd began stuffing belongings into, and there was my wife staring down at the floor, shuffling her feet nervously. I knelt down to console her, but she drew her face away from my hand as I talked.

"What is it, darling? What are you frightened of?" I whispered soothingly. She buried her face in the crook of my neck and kept it there, sobbing for nearly a minute before she was able to answer.

"I'm scared for River. For you. Terrified that people who do the things they did to River are actually out there in the 'Verse," She pulled her face away to look me directly in the eye, her hands remained planted firmly against my chest, one of them gripping the collar of my coat, "I'm afraid I'll lose you to them if you go and start something, Si..."

I smiled. It may not have been the appropriate response to her confessions of fear for my safety and River's wellbeing, but I smiled, placing a hand on her cheek, "Kaylee, I've dealt with the likes of them before when I rescued River ages ago. Remember? And what with the experience I've gained through being a part of the crew, as well as the toys I'm sure Jayne and Badger can lend me, I'll be perfectly fine," I promised her.

She sniffled, "It's not you physically I'm worried 'bout, Si. I-" she stuttered, "I'm worried about how it'll change you."

I wasn't following, and Kaylee picked up on that, "I've flown with the Cap'n a long while now, Si. Met a lot of folks. Seen a lot of things. Seen a handful of people die. Most of 'em on the other side I thank the stars for that, but ain't not one time the Cap'n or Cobb or Zoe come back to Serenity from killin' somebody an' they weren't different from before they left her. Simon you ain't built to take lives. You save 'em, y'said so yourself many o' times. You do this...and I'll lose the man I married. I ain't sayin' I won't be here waitin' for ya when you get through with whatever it is you've got ta do, I just..."

I interrupted her with one last, long, hard, deeply passionate kiss before standing, gathering the last of what I was taking and told her "I love you, Kawinnit Lee. I love River just as much, and I need to do this. It must be done," then I headed to see the Captain once more.

"I know," Kaylee said softly before crying more tears.

I found the Captain just as he managed to connect with Badger.

"Malcolm Reynolds," the greasy faced, vertically challenged man from Dyton County announced with a mock sense of awe in his voice, "Not to sure how I feel about doing business with the likes a you'n' yours these days."

"Nice ta see yer ugly mug again too, Badger," Captain responded.

"Don't go gettin' all lovey with me, Reynolds. As far I can tell it's exchanging pleasantries witchya that'd earn me a spot in the ground courtesy of the Alliance," despite Badger's rough yet witty demeanor it was obvious he was being truthful.

"If it's all the same I'm genuinely glad ta see yer still breathing, old friend. I have a mighty big favor ta ask, an' I'm willin' to make it worth yer while," Captain told him.

"Ah, so long as this deal doesn't entail me giving you lot a place to rest your head I'm sure we can work out some sort of agreement. Shoot when ready," Badger looked skeptical still.

"You're going back there. To that place." It was River's voice from behind me. I turned to explain, try and reason with her as much as one could reason with a Reader, but my heart nearly stopped when my eyes met hers. Her expression now was drastically different from the last time I'd seen her, smiling down at Kaylee and I from the ceiling. Now she was not smiling. Far from it. Tears had stained her face, her eyes red and puffy, her hair scattered about over her face and ears, no longer neatly combed behind her head, "Why won't you people listen to me?" she asked, frustrated.

"River?" I asked, dumbfounded at that question, "I do listen to you-I'm listening right now. Tell me what's on yo-"

"No!" She shouted. My whole body stiffened with shock, "No, Ghuh. You did not listen. I told you that you did not want to find it. You still went searching for it and now look what you have created. I have to go help you end them all," she spoke those words as if she were talking about a bothersome insect. After that she stormed off down the hall and I felt a firm hand planted on my shoulder, turning me back to the Captain.

"I swear the more I try to understand her, the less I do," I sighed and the Captain laughed.

"Doc that's no failure on your part. That's women for you. Just when you think you have a grasp on how they think..." he whistled and made an upward motion with his hand symbolizing the female mind was out of this 'Verse. I full heartedly agree.

"She'll be going with me, it seems. No sense in arguing a point once she has set her mind on something," I scratched my head thinking over how this changed the dynamics of the mission laid out before me, "Though I'll have to talk to her about the whole ending them all she just mentioned..." I looked back in the direction she'd gone still not comfortable with the fact that a killing machine lie dormant inside of her, ready to strike at the first sign of danger.

"Figured as much," Captain nodded, "I informed uh, Badger to expect you an' her. The upside is he won't try anythin' off color with her in the mix."

"I suppose you are correct, Captain. And thank you." We shook hands and he walked me to the cargo bay.

"As much as I'd like to join you-" He began but I stopped him.

"It's alright, Captain. You've got your own problems to handle. I understand. River and I are better off taking care of this on our own anyhow."

We arrived in the cargo bay where Jayne was waiting, an entire arsenal of weaponry from tiny switchblades to what I could only describe as a cannon were set out at his feet.

"Won't you be needing some of that where you're headed?" I called down to him as Captain and I descended the stairs.

He chuckled nervously and avoided my eyes as I approached, "Listen, uh, Simon I-" he began, but when he couldn't seem to formulate a sentence after several seconds passed I cut him a break.

"Jayne, forget it ever happened, please. The encyclopedia doesn't matter," I assured him with a pat on the back, "When I come back I'll bring a mountain of LEGAL pornographic material for you to make use of," the three of us got quite a laugh out of that.

"A real woman'd be a lot nicer," his voice had a hopeful tone.

"We shall see, big guy," I raised my eyebrows wanting to tell him not to push it.

"Well uh, I took the liberty've puttin' together a few gadgets ya could sort through. I ain't sure how much ya need but take as much as you'll want. I'll show ya how ya c'n hide most've it under a jacket'r maybe some baggy pants fer easy access," he spoke quickly. Again I could tell he was still uneasy about having gone through my belongings, so I saved him the effort of educating me on the schematics of each individual piece of equipment he had gathered there for me, which seemed to be the entire contents of the ship's armory so it would have taken precious hours that neither one of us had anyway.

"Thank you Jayne, really," I interrupted him just as he was explaining to me the firepower Vera packed within her. I had to stifle a laugh right about then, amazed that he was desperate enough to seek forgiveness from me that he would offer to lend me Vera without inquiring as to how I would use her or where I planned on taking her, "Guns were never really my style. I have...other tools I plan to incorporate in the matter. However I do see some handy instruments over there that I'd be interested in taking off your hands," I pointed to the other side of the cargo bay on the ground where a large tarp had been laid out on which several blades had been set. Most were your typical brand of hunting knife but a few had odd shaped serrated edges or strange curves I wasn't familiar with even from my experience in the medical field.

Jayne paused, probably offended now that I looked back on it, that I'd turned down using his most prized possession. Thankfully though, that seemed to tone down his apologetic mood and he reverted back to his almost normal self. He turned around to look at what I was referring to then smiled broadly back at the Captain and I, "Aw, I see where yer goin' with this, Si. Nice. Very nice," he slapped my shoulder obviously pleased by my choice. He hurried toward the tarp, looking proudly down at his toys, "Pick your poison, doc. Any of these babies is ripe for yer takin'."

I followed him to the other side of the cargo bay, getting closer to the blades and realized there were far more than I could see from my previous vantage point. Knives, swords and daggers of all sorts, shapes and sizes ranging from one inch long wicked looking hooks and spikes to a thick, daunting broad sword, the blade of which surpassed a yard. I was eyeing a few of the smaller, unusual shaped pieces when he continued speaking without waiting for me to respond to his previous question.

"Now this one 'ere-" he began excitedly, picking up the broad sword first, "Is heavy as all giddup an' I'm clumsy with it. It's purely just for show." He went on to recommend something called a 'sheepsfoot' blade with the reasoning that the shape of its tip was curved in a way that would prevent me from stabbing myself clumsily if attacking someone. In the end I collected only one or two of the knives he suggested, instead opting to go with the more bizarre types. He helped me properly stow them in my luggage after showing me how to conceal most of them on my person and offered methods of getting them through any Alliance security check points I might come to. After that he insisted I carry a couple of miniature handguns just in case. I agreed and soon was securing the last of my and River's things in the shuttle, preparing to depart.

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><p>AN: From here on out I'll say, expect for Simon to get a little Hannibal Lecter. Without the cannibalism most likely. Again, you were warned.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry it's been a while, and that this one is so short. I think it does the job for now though. I'll update sooner than last time.

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><p>"It's a shame," came Inara's voice from behind me at the door to the shuttle, "Heinlein will be short one superbly skilled doctor," I turned to meet her sad half smile.<p>

"I'm afraid that can't be helped," I nodded to her, "It's for River's sake...really-"

"Oh Simon," Inara closed her eyes, cupped her hands against her face, drew a deep breath and looked at me again, "It wasn't my intention to try to guilt you into staying...I was only trying to say goodbye. I'm just not thinking clearly at the moment. I suppose none of us are. But...I understand...not completely of course, mind you. I understand that love for a sister."

"You have a younger sister as well?" I asked, stunned that I never had before, and moreso that no one aboard Serenity had volunteered this information up til this moment.

"Truth be told, I've two young ones, as well as one older."

"Are they...?" I didn't have the heart to complete that sentence.

"No, Doctor," she laughed lightly, "They are not companions. In fact that is a great deal of why we had a falling out. It's been quite a while since I've seen or spoken to any of them. No matter, you'd best be going. Got a shuttle to catch, haven't you?"

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><p>The beginning of our flight was silent until River uttered one word, "Speak."<p>

"Hmm?" I glanced over at her as she spun a glowing red yo-yo, "Where did you find a thing like that?"

"Jayne Cobb's. No matter. Speak, brother. I know your thoughts but I prefer your words. They are comforting."

I couldn't help but giggle inside, though my tone was not happy, "River...all I have now are my thoughts. I can't manage to sort through them to find the correct thing to say. I love you...there are no other words for what I feel at this point in time," I felt my skin crawl with goose bumps. All this time I believed I had rescued her from the hurt, but there was no escaping it for her. It was permenant.

"Those words are enough. Now I have a word for you, brother," she stood and made her way to my side, placing one hand on my shoulder and using the other to point in my face. I raised one eyebrow, wondering what that word could be. Then she said it.

"Simon Tam you think you are so weak. You think you have no significance in the grand scheme of existence. That there is too much agony, that too many suffer. You don't think you make a difference in this great big jumbled mess. You think you are small because of what others did to me but I know different. You matter to me. You are strong in my eyes. And kind. Brave, courageous, loyal, honest. You are not a good human being, Simon Tam, you are the best of them, and you mean something to the 'Verse. The people that hurt and kill and steal are the weak, the ones who ultimately have no impact. Tis the ones that love who have the greatest impact. Selfless martyrs. Because of them, the ones who hate and wreak havoc have not won. The human race lives on. I live on," She took hold of one of my hands and placed it against her beating heart to drive the point home, "And do you know why?" I shook my head no, "Because you love. I can keep existing because I know you love me. My word for you is hero. My hero. You will always be my hero."

I was floored.

I wish now that her words had been enough for me. Enough to turn the shuttle back right then, but we kept on. River knew I'd made my decision so with a tear in her eye she offered one last bit of consolation, "I survived things that came to pass because you loved, Simon Tam. Now you will endure the demons yet to come because I love."

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><p>A short while later we descended into atmo, landing on Persephone near Badger's hideaway.<p>

"That's peculiar..." I glanced out a window pane at the landscape that seemed to have changed drastically since I'd last seen it only hours before, "It looks...different somehow. I can't quite pinpoint why exactly." I stood from the pilot's chair and headed toward the hatch with River. I tugged open the door only to be greeted by a dozen men pointing guns in our direction.

"Who the 'ell are you?" one of them barked at us.

"Doctor Simon Tam?" I posed it as a question, trying to jog someone's memory among the group, "Badger was told to expect me..."

The one who'd spoken turned to his left, exchanging perplexed glances with the man standing nearest to him. They both faced me once more, waving at River and I to come with them. They then led us inside to what I'd call Badger's office. It looked a mess, all out of sorts from the last time I'd been in there.

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><p>"Hello, Badger," I grinned at the short, stubble faced man, "You've certainly let yourself go, haven't you?" I tried to break the obvious tension that our arrival had somehow caused.<p>

"Funny man," Badger nodded, returning the a rugged smirk, "Tha's good. So tell me, what brings you back to my humble abode?" I stared blankly back at him for a moment before answering.

"Forgive me, I thought the Captain explained the situation."

"Captain?" Badger furrowed his brow, "Ol' Reynolds? Yeah, he told me you were coming. I expected you sooner than this. He'll be delighted to know you've finally shown your face. Been buggin' me for ages about you lot."

"Ages?" I chuckled.

"Yeah," Badger nodded, walking toward a refridgerator, "What's it been now, Carlisle?" He asked a gaurd standing nearby as he yanked open the fridge, "Two years? Want a cold one?" he turned back to River and I.

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><p>As always, reviews are welcomed! Thanks for your patience.<p> 


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